Intellectualizing vs. Feeling Deeply

As I begin my journey into the world of coaching, I can’t help but think this is an opportunity to reconnect with my emotions. But, to be honest, I am scared. I am scared not that I won’t be a decent coach. That may be true, but what I am scared of is that I don’t have enough capacity to truly feel deeply the pain and suffering of what others experience in their lives. I have a fear of failure in my emotional range...in being able to experience true empathy and compassion. In a life where I have been successful in different arenas, I can’t really say the same thing about the emotional arena.

Whether it be with good friends who might be going through a tough moment in their lives or with complete strangers who are less fortunate in terms of being able to afford life's necessities, it is often not my first or my natural instinct to feel their pain. And naturally, if I can’t feel their pain, it is almost impossible to be with their pain and be there for them emotionally in the way that they may need it. And I feel ashamed about this.

To be clear, true empathy is different than doing good for others and trying to make the world a better place. Taking action, being involved in philanthropy, and being a champion for the underserved, have always been important to me. Once a need is articulated, and I find myself with the motivation and resources to take it on, I am quick to serve others. But this is precisely not what I am talking about.  

In fact, my fear of failure when it comes to my own empathy is only exacerbated by the fact that I do indeed "do good" in this world. How could I be a champion for those whom I have never met, but I often can’t meet the emotional needs of my close family and friends? Am I an emotional fraud?  Do I have a heart of stone to be able to look someone in the eye and ask them to donate to a cause when I don’t feel the feelings at that exact moment that most people probably do when they are doing acts of kindness? Could I only be doing it to satisfy the needs of my own ego or to quench my thirst for external validation? Or am I just hoping to fake it until I make it? Maybe if I do enough good, I will start to feel the same feelings that most “good” people usually do? Yes, lots of cognitive dissonance and issues regarding identity going on here. My actions paint one picture of me. My internal feelings another. And it eats me up inside.

I would be too hard on myself if I said that I never experienced empathy. I do have my moments. When my proverbial cup is full (when I feel supported and loved and my ego has been validated), I can more easily feel what others are going through. During these moments, I really get it. I deeply feel it. And it is often from these fleeting moments that my longer lasting desire to serve comes from. After feeling the feeling once, even only if for a split second, I can “intellectualize” the feeling, “storing” and “preserving” it so I can talk about it and take action based on it. The feeling may be gone, but somehow, the inspiration remains. 

It would represent a big step on my journey of emotional growth (and in my journey to become a coach) if I can somehow find a way to reconnect more frequently and more deeply with the original feelings that got me here in the first place.

So maybe that is what this coaching journey is all about. A chance to un-intellectualize and re-emotionalize my emotions. A chance to drop the ego, a chance to drop the talk about how much good we have done or might be able to do...a chance to finally be there with the people who need a smile and to be listened to more than anything else.

Our Nationwide Wake-Up Call

My Dear United States of America,

We've gotten our wake-up call. A nation obsessed with being the best and made up of rugged individuals striving to win doesn't work forever. There are serious repercussions. There are always losers. And in the end, we all lose. We lose ourselves.

I'm not happy with what is taking place around me. It's difficult to think about anything else. But I do sincerely pray, this is only what's needed to wake us up from our slumber. Our sense of false security. Our illusion that if our own quality of life is not terribly affected, then what happens out in the world is disconnected from us.

When our government is influenced by greedy lobbying powers who are apathetic to our potentially calamitous climate change and cater to corporate agendas that significantly benefit the 1% and violently disenfranchise large masses of the population... When our government regularly engages in mischief-making all over the world to spread democracy that turns into wars we engage in out of self-interest while we proclaim ourselves heroes of the world... When our government fails to see how much people are hurting but instead protects itself rather than the people it vows to protect and for which it exists in the first place... When we hail this sad state of government as by the people and for the people, something is absolutely upside-down. This is the "banality of evil." Right under our noses.

Can we somehow come to our senses? Can we give up our own greed that is systemic in our culture? We now are face-to-face with a leader who appears not to care for us, who has no history of governmental leadership but a rich history of lying, cheating, and stealing, while denouncing diversity. He threatens to put us in grave danger as he proclaims himself our ultimate protector. He inspires those who hate. If this alarm doesn't wake us, I don't know what will.

I didn't think I'd live in this world. I liked my own false sense of security, I guess. But I want to change. I want to see a population that is ready to rise up. I want to be part of not just a protest rally (I’ve done those before), but a deep inner rising. The rising of conscience. The rising of introspection. The rising of responsibility. And the rising of spirit.

I could easily be fueled by my anger about the incidents of harassment that keep popping up across the country. And I know what it is to be harassed for my spiritual tradition. When I was a monk, I distributed sacred literature on the streets and subways of New York. I hated feeling ignored, as I understand now a vast proportion of this country feels. I remember vividly how years ago in front of the Dean and Deluca on Prince and Broadway, I offered a copy of the Bhagavad-Gita to a man. With ice-cold eyes, he turned to me and said, “Are you kidding me? I kill people for less than what you’re doing.” Another time, I was on the platform of the Broadway-Lafayette subway stop and innocently greeted a man. He suddenly screamed obscenities at me with such venom that I feared for my life.

I never forgot the looks of these men. It was the closest I’ve come to being the butt of pure hatred. And it haunted me. In the past, I’d have reacted with rage. A boy once made fun of me when I was on vacation with my parents in New Hampshire. He called me names and insulted my masculinity. I promptly fantasized about pummeling him; instead, I settled on writing a story about our fictional altercation where I would strip him of all self-worth through the wit of my words. I hadn’t been made fun of many times, but any time it happened or I felt something unfair, my mind would go to crushing the other person, either physically or intellectually.

By the time I met these two frighteningly hateful people in New York City, my values had shifted. Being a humble servant of society in monastic garb goes a long way… We were taught to be welfare workers for people who would not see any need, who would ignore us, and make us feel lesser. But we had to feel for them and not worry about our feeling lowly. We even had to embrace feeling lowly to begin to let our egos leave us and become truly selfless. It’s further taught me the essential truth that we can all let go of our vindictiveness. We have this choice. It’s accessible. More so than we think.

The key to this powerful freedom – a freedom where no one can control us – is in identifying our own ego. Our ego? But we’re the victims! To experience freedom, I had to actually not feel that I was better than the person who threatened me on the street or in the subway. It’s the very reason we’re in the stark situation of this nation. We think we’re better than other people. Consciously or unconsciously. And people don’t like that. It’s also not true.

But how to realize this? I genuinely thought throughout my life that I was better than most people I met, and obviously better than those who caused me pain or caused anyone else pain. The truth is, if I introspect, I can see I’ve done a lot to hurt others as well. Moreover, I have incredible potential to do worse... I choose to resist that potential. But I can feel how if not for the fortune of having resources and care all my life, I wouldn’t be fit or even want to resist my darker potential. It’s very clear to me that those who don’t have the fortune, knowledge, or love to resist their baser urges are not worse than we are. They’re worthy of compassion. They're suffering terribly and that's all they have to give to others. Suffering.

Today, instead of feeling anger at the state of our nation, I can see my own humanity and the humanity of my fellow-pain-givers that make up our world. What can I really do to help? Vow to stop giving pain the best I can. Be proactive, not reactive. Don’t indulge in hatred or fear, even if I’m righteously upset or realistically frightened. Let a light shine within me without my thinking how bright a light I am.

As Gabor Mate shares at the end of his poignant TED Talk, “The Power of Addiction and The Addiction of Power,” it's high time we stopped looking for a leader to set things right for our world. To get to the position of influence our leaders wield most often requires exceptional hunger for power and exceptional willingness to compromise on values. It’s up to us to become responsible and not shift the responsibility to someone above. We must set the example…

An external act or policy will come and go. A change from within will never leave. May we act on our best desires and rise up in a way that has immediate and lasting impact.

How will you let go of the brewing pain and anger? How will you think wisely and act compassionately? What will you do for the people who cross your path, friendly or otherwise? And what will you not do to further fuel the divide in our country?

One Moment of Empathy

I was walking up the stairs from the F train platform at 2nd Ave., when a young woman skirted down past the throngs of us ascending.

As she squeezed by, I promptly heard a guttural “Ugggh!” and saw exactly the face I imagined to accompany.

The woman brushed by this commuter turned around to face the rushing culprit who’d just invaded her sacred space.

And she evidently wanted to ensure that the offender was not in too much of a rush to see the full extent of her facial wrath, in case she could have possibly missed the auditory displeasure.

At that time, I felt an ache in my heart.

Could we not have one moment of empathy?

Who has not been in the situation of great pressure in needing to catch a train?

When the train is about to leave the station, the urge grips you to make a run for it.

When others are obstructing your path to making that train, it’s every bit as aggravating as being bumped in the process.

The hurried woman who made the bump was not particularly tactful, agreed.

But if we were to put ourselves in her shoes for but a moment, it would be difficult to download our frustration onto her and twist the proverbial knife.

Moreover, our hurried woman did not strike me as carrying an apathetic air, but rather a sympathetic air, which truly takes a moment of presence to perceive.

Later that night, over dinner with Rasanath and another friend, I shared my experience from the subway – it still bothered me…

I expressed the idea of a moment’s empathy and gained the following response from our friend:

“You see, that’s why you’re ENLIGHTENED and others are not!”

Hardly, I replied, I simply try.

And this is really doable!

Then another friend ran into us and sat for a little while.

Without the context of our conversation, she proceeded to unapologetically declare:

“I just go ahead and shove people in the subway…whoever stands in my way…”

She said she did so today…

Rasanath and I both looked at each other and laughter took over us.

It was almost mystical!

She spontaneously needed to get the pressing issue off of her chest…

But because the lady is a wonderful soul, I could empathize with the side of frustration too.

And certainly, I have my myriad failings on the empathy front.

When we’re in need, we don’t have the emotional space to consider the needs of the other.

I rigorously endeavor to create that space for the natural empathy which flows between conscious compatriots on this planet.

And at the close of the day, I could only wish that we would not miss what’s really at stake when we invest in but a moment of empathy or what’s really at stake when we don’t…

Our world is made up of these little gaps in empathy that grow into gulfs.

These tiny gaps that rapidly morph into gulfs are the root of our universal sufferings.

And suffering only breeds more suffering in this way.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

When we empathize, we experience compassion, the soothing balm of receiving and being received.

Compassion comes from the Latin – ‘Com’ meaning ‘with’ and ‘passion’ meaning suffering.

Compassion, etymologically, means ‘to suffer with.’

And that suffering together is actually healing.

When we’re heard and understood, but most of all felt, we heal.

We all suffer less, when we suffer with.

And it diffuses the frustration of others as well as ourselves.

It bridges the gaps between us.

Can we afford to spare but a moment of empathy?

At the very least, we must ask, what is the price of our not doing so?

It’s not unnatural to empathize.

It just requires that we give ourselves a moment to understand situations and people.

A moment.

The Commonality of Duality

This evening’s special feature of the F train was a brand new makeshift diaper-changing station.

A young-looking woman and an older-looking woman were partnering up to take care of three babies with two strollers.

On the knee of the young-looking woman was a miniature buttocks, smooth as silk.

The usual makeshift eating stations were disturbed by the sharply competing aroma.

Most people did not wish to observe the hijinks on the diaper-changing side of the F.

And innovative as it was, I confess that I wondered about the hygiene of such a situation.

Feeling most sorry for the little kid who, unbeknownst, became the spectacle to a dozen strangers, I sat down with an unwitting front-row seat to process the entire scene at hand.

Just as soon as I’d landed on the bench-style seat, I suddenly heard the young woman cry, “You mind your own business!!”

I became highly self-conscious.

Quickly glancing at her to determine the target of her exclamation, I was exceedingly careful not to make eye contact.

Relieved it was not me being fired at, I witnessed her proceed to bawl out one of my unfortunate neighbors.

Then I looked up at the sign above me that flashed freshly:

“If you see something, say something…”

I felt this to be fantastically apropos!

Nevertheless, I would decidedly not say something!

Then a woman entered the train begging for money.

“I’m hungry,” she creaked.

The two women with the baby-care subway innovations appeared rather under-privileged to my eye in spite of the plastic bags with recent purchases for the children.

Yet, I had this instinctual reaction that as soon as the homeless woman would pass them by, I could foretell they would be the ones to donate to her cause.

And this is precisely what took place.

In fact, I did not see any other donations offered.

I did not offer anything myself, though my heart went out to the lady.

And as she said, “God bless you” to the potentially underprivileged donors, I thought I could perceive God’s blessing upon them along with the unique situation of all souls, shrouded in layers upon layers of duality.

In such a world, we all must sort through that deep mire of duality and successfully navigate the paradoxes and complexities to the best of our abilities at each passing moment of each passing day.

Humbled, I prayed to earn the wisdom to walk this path nobly, for to pretend the world exists in black and white is to miss out on all the splendid color…

I Just Want to Have A Moment with My “Miracle Mouthwash”!

On assignment for my mentor, I marched determinedly through the West Village avenues, having performed the full crosstown commute on foot.

It was 9 a.m. and the streets were barren in the calm after the storm of another Friday night in Manhattan.

The mission: Seize and send a “Miracle Mouthwash” overseas…

It is apparently difficult to procure a bottle of the apparently covetous Uncle Harry’s hygienic product outside its native home of the brave…

According to my rough calculation, only one store in the city carries the mouthwash, and that’s precisely where I was headed! I was delighted to be of simple service for someone who has done more for me than I can hope to repay.

I just wished I’d slept a little sounder the night before and had a little more free time at my fingertips.

As I entered the Elm Health Chelsea location, I was overcome with a sense of existential dread.

Running a startup doesn’t treat monastic practices kindly, I’ve come to realize… Since leaving the monastery and aspiring to carry its work to the outside world the best I can, I’ve noticed my sacred habits are hard to uphold.

Not that they were ever easy, but just more within control via the freedom to make them the focal point.

Now, when I need it most, life has a way of getting the best of my meditation… Within the aisles of the matchless grocery store, my meditation sustained from the morning… There was an old sadhu who used to chant his mantras in the blaring streets of Bombay.

When asked why, he would say, “if I can concentrate here, I can concentrate anywhere.” Hardcore training.

I always loved that! However, for me, practicality played a significantly more prominent role…

To study under the swami I was preparing to send a bottle of Uncle Harry, 16 rounds a day of meditation on beads is the standard of seriousness.

That’s about two hours, depending on your pace.

Needless to say, it’s a challenge to find two hours in this day and age in “the capital of the world” (as coined on the official website of New York City!).

Where does the time go? I’d been doggedly trying to stabilize my sadhana – Sanskrit for practices – ever since I started on my path.

For three years, I’d managed to awaken daily before the crack of dawn for my meditation and more sacred luxuries that become necessities when you experience the benefits.

Today, I aim for 6.

If I get there, it’s phenomenal! Today, I didn’t get there… Feeling like a failure, while facing the tooth powders, I took a moment for my mantras.

I finished my round and then I stopped.

In some kind of twilight between meditation and returning to the world of the weighty, I heard the Simple Minds sing their song – the only one that anyone I know knows despite their successful touring, accompanied by, imaginably: other songs.

It was a live version.

And as it faded away with the crowd “La da da da-ing” like mad, I thought to myself, “I want to have ‘a moment’!” You know, like in the movies! Where it’s really “a moment”…

And it’s magical.

Times Square disappeared its people for Tom Cruise! That kind of “moment”! I needed it… On the verge of its impending manifestation – I could feel it in my bones – a gentle instrumental of strings and piano gradually graced my ears with its elegance.

I was shocked.

From trying to get a girl to remember your name as you walk on by to an orchestral piece of celestial merit was something rather unexpected, to say the least.

I smiled alone in the aisle.

Standing before the Miracle Mouthwash that returned my gaze, I suddenly realized that Uncle Harry wasn’t the only one watching.

In the emptiness of an ungodly New York hour, one middle-aged woman managed to walk in on my “moment”! I don’t think she knew what she was stumbling upon, but it made me move on nonetheless… I hastily grabbed the mouthwash and got the juice-master to take off one of his gloves to ring me up at the counter.

Before I went off to the Post Office with the gift of gargle, I pondered the meaning of the “moment”.

What are we looking for out of life? And is it the same as what we purport to look for? I think what I was after was a feeling of presence again.

To finally feel like I’m really here, as my full self, even at a supermarket, and I’m not alone, though I’m solitary.

Perhaps that’s what each of us seeks in our respective ways and with varying degrees of success.

I hope my meditation and spirit of service will guide me to that place where I visit regularly but have not yet been able to pay the price to stay.