Nonviolent Communication #2: O–F–N–R

A central teaching of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is the framework O–F–N–R: Observation, Feeling, Need, and Request. It offers a clear way to express ourselves honestly and compassionately, without blame or emotional reactivity.

When we use this framework, we separate facts from interpretation, identify what we are feeling, uncover the “why” behind the feeling, and then make a clear request that helps us meet our need.

• Observation: What actually happened, as if seen through a camera lens.

• Feeling: The emotion we are experiencing in response.

• Need: The deeper value or longing beneath the feeling.

• Request: A specific, actionable step that could help meet the need.

For example: “When our meeting started 10 minutes late (observation), I felt anxious (feeling) because I value reliability and structure (need). Would you be open to starting on time next week? (request)”

Using O–F–N–R shifts communication from criticism to kindness and clarity. It turns “You’re always late” into an honest and vulnerable expression of what matters most to us. 

Coaching application: Practice helping a client express a frustration or desire through O–F–N–R. 

Life application: Think of a recent moment when you felt hurt or frustrated. Try to translate it through O–F–N–R. What was the observation? The feeling? The need? The request?

Relevant Upbuild content: Nonviolent Communication #3: O-F-N-R (Apple / Spotify)