Nonviolent Communication Bit #1

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a practice for creating connection through honesty and empathy. Developed by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, it helps us move from blame and judgment to understanding and compassion.

We often think of “violence” as something extreme, but in everyday life, it can take subtle forms: making assumptions, dismissing, labeling, or speaking from moral superiority. Anytime our goal is not genuine connection, there is a kind of violence in the interaction.

One of the key teachings of NVC is the distinction between needs and strategies. Needs are universal qualities that make us feel alive and fulfilled, like safety, belonging, and respect. Strategies are the specific ways we try to meet those needs. Conflicts arise (and our communication can become “violent”) when we mistake a strategy for a need.

For example, saying “I need you to listen to me” is a strategy, not a true need. Beneath it may lie something deeper, like the need to feel understood, respected, or connected. When we can identify and name that underlying need, first to ourselves and then, if appropriate, to the other person, we move from accusation to authenticity and from defensiveness to connection.

Coaching application: When a client is stuck or frustrated, help them identify the unmet need behind their strategy. Ask, “What need is underneath this situation?”

Life application: When you feel disconnected or reactive, pause and ask, “What is my deeper need right now?”
Relevant Upbuild content: [Podcast] Nonviolent Communication #1: Needs vs. Strategies (Apple / Spotify)