Type 2 in the Heart Center: “The Helper,” Emotional Shame, and the Illusion of Selflessness

Michael: Welcome to the Upbuild Enneagram Library. During on years of teaching, coaching, and lived experience, we've created this podcast as a deep library of Enneagram knowledge to support you in the most important journey there is. The journey from the ego to the true self.

Vipin: Hi, this is Vipin. Before we get into the episode, we wanted to share a few things happening at Upbuild. We've got our six-month coaching certification program, a bi-weekly space for deep conversations on the Enneagram called Enneagram Library Live, and our weekly spiritual gathering, remembering who we are. You can learn more at Upbuild.com. And now, on to the episode.

Michael: Hello, everyone. Hello, Hari and Rasanath. And today we are going to be talking about the type two in the heart center. So, Rasanath, would you get us started today by bringing us in what does it mean to be in the heart center? And what is the two's unique relationship to this center?

Rasanath: So the three centers are the body center, which is also called the gut center, the head center, and then the heart center. So the types eight, nine, and one, their immediate access and readiness comes from the body center. And for the type two, it comes from the heart center. And what it what does it mean to work from the heart? The heart is the seat of emotions. So emotions drive my being. That's the point that I very readily access. That's the point that I actually start from, from a point of how view of how I interact with the world and how I interpret the world. So my realm of working is with my emotions.

Michael: And for the two, what is the specific way that they relate to their emotions?

Rasanath: The basic fear for the two is to be unloved, or even more fundamentally, it is the fact that there is no love to be had in this world. Right? So the desire is to be loving. The equation for the twos is that if I give love, then I will also receive love. But I must be giving more than I receive. I must be giving more love than I receive. But by giving more love than I receive, I will receive. I will receive love.

Hari Prasada: And I will be worthy of love. Yeah, the idea is being unlovable, unworthy of love. And that is the most excruciating thing for the two. That's the basic fear.

Rasanath: So the only way to then be worthy of love is to become the source of it, which again, how can we ever be the source of love, the source of infinite love? But that's the attempt that the two is really going on, is to become the source of love. So that by becoming the source of love, I will one make sure that there is love in the world. And number two, which is a more of a secret agenda, is then if I give enough love to people, then maybe I will become worthy of their love.

Michael: So given that we've used the word love 10, 20 times so far in this podcast episode, and we're only just getting started, it's not hard to figure out why the twos are part of the heart center.

Hari Prasada: Yeah, it's very obvious. It's all about the heart. There's a lot of emotion around it. The twos are thinking, how can I get into somebody's life so that I can get into their heart, so that I can get what's in their heart for myself. And this is an emotional process. I want to become needed by them. And I want to do things for them that will make them need me, so that then they will give me their love. But this is all unconsciously done. And all the emotions are there. Oh, I'm not loving enough. They don't love me enough. There are too many people to love. I have to love all of them, or I only want to love these people. These are the real people that I have to love. This is my responsibility. And it's all very emotional. And I'm feeling so much inadequacy all the time in my heart. This is what it means to be part of the heart center for the two.

Michael: There's a real heaviness to what you're describing here, what it must be like to walk through the world feeling both the inadequacy and then the compensation of needing to be the source of love for everyone.

Hari Prasada: And you know what they do with that heaviness? They put a nice smile on top of it so that then they can be pleasing to everybody and get more love from them. So they hope.

Rasanath: Yes. Right. And that's the real sadness. I smile externally because I feel like if I don't smile, what is the hope of ever being loved? Where is the warmth here? But I suppress my sorrow. I actually deeply suppress my own feeling of being rejected by the world, being unworthy of love.

Michael: Right. So the twos are thinking that I need to smile because that's what people like. That's what warmth would be defined by, a smile. So I do that ahead of time before the thing actually is there.

Hari Prasada: I do it even before I think about it. The smile just shows up magically.

Rasanath: And again, genuinity is a spectrum. It's not a one or zero thing. So I still I love people. I genuinely love people. But at this time, I am projecting more than authentically feeling it. And that's where it becomes a little more, it doesn't have the true flavor of a heartfelt love. It's a projection of love because I must. And I'm also desperate because if I don't, then where is the question of reciprocity here? What will people really give me back if I don't give them to begin with in the first place?

Hari Prasada: And Rasanath, as you often will say, the ego cannot love. The identity of who we think we should be is not who we are. And that there is no love from who we are not, from this identification with our mind and body and the way that we operate in this world that has nothing to do with the core of us, our essence. So there is a way in which we're putting things on from the beginning. And our love has to become so much more authentic by driving towards that core of who am I truly? What is the nature of myself?

Michael: And the two is nicknamed the helper. So it's a very good clue to what the ego identity is for the two. I want to be the helper, that's who I am. And then there's something there of the essence. There's so much projection of that. And I can't not be that. And so there's an intense way that I grasp at it, which actually pulls me away from the very thing that I'm after.

Rasanath: To to help is only a good thing. To always be the helper. It's what's the problem in being a helper, right? What is the problem in being a helper? It's only a good thing, it can only be a good thing. So here's the distinction to help fundamentally requires no strings attached. To be a helper all the time can secretly mean I'm helping for many different reasons. And for the two at the lower levels of consciousness, I'm helping not because I want to help. I am helping because I'm so desperate for reciprocity from the other side, and the only way to get it is by giving first. So the place where the help is coming from is what really matters.

Hari Prasada: Well, to help, we first have to know what is helpful. And the twos are so confused about this. And again, as long as we're abstracted from who we are, when we're not living authentically according to our real nature, selflessly, as servants of everybody else, of every other self, we are not able to help. So what we do is we create an identity of a helper, which is for me. It's not for anybody else, but then I pretend that it's for you. See, I'm so helpful to you. I'm doing all of these things for you. But why am I really doing it? Because I have the identity of the helper, and this consecrates it. This is the duplicity, as we talked about with the one, how all the types have duplicity. All of us are built on duplicity because of our egos, wanting to project something on top of who we actually are, to get a sense of self, a sense of identity, sense that I'm good enough. People like me. Yes, I am this. I am the helper. This is where the duplicity is.

Michael: So the strings attached, Rosanath, that you were speaking about is not only I do something for you, so you do something for me, but on a deeper level, it's I do something for you, so that you give me the validation for how I want to be seen.

Hari Prasada: That's it. Yes, that's it. Otherwise, the twos will justify. No, no, no. I didn't want anything for it. You can see, I didn't want anything. I just gave you the money. I don't want you to give it back. I just cooked for you. I don't want you to cook for me again. I don't want you to even do anything else. But who's the helper now?

Rasanath: Well, also, yeah, I was going to say something similar that the twos will convincingly say, Well, I actually know, I don't want anything back. In fact, it hurts me when people give me something back. This is where it gets very tricky. It's not in the giving me back. It's how you make me feel when you give me back. Because when you give me back, and then it feels like, well, I just want to equalize things here. The twos don't like that. They feel rejected. You have to give me back in a way where I still am the person who's giving you more than what you're giving me back.

Michael: This is hard. I mean, I'm thinking about being in relationship with the type of person that you just described. And I also have twos in my life, and you feel like you're between a rock and a hard place because how do you actually reciprocate, but not too much, so that the person's ego doesn't get hurt, and it's it's quite a tough place to be.

Hari Prasada: They also have no idea what they want because they do actually want reciprocation. Many times they do even want the individual things back. Like, I cooked for you. Why don't you ever cook for me? Do you not love me enough? Are you not grateful for what I do for you? Not always, but many times they want the specific thing in return or some equivalent of that, maybe not that thing, but something else that will show me you care. And then many times, no, no, no, that's insulting. And many times the very thing that they say is insulting is the thing that they want. So they say, no, no, don't do this. Why are you not doing this? I don't want this. Why are you not doing it?

Rasanath: And they're not honest with themselves. I'm telling you, I don't want this to make myself free of the guilt of actually doing something wanting. See, I'm so selfless now. So I have to tell you, actually, no, it's totally fine. You don't worry about it. But deep down, I want you to worry about it. I want you to worry about it, but don't let me know that you're worrying about it because I want you to worry about it.

Hari Prasada: The heart is an extremely confusing place. It's filled with more complexity than we can possibly fathom. And the twos get lost in that. I want this, I don't want this. It's all in the heart. It's very emotional. Oh, why am I not being seen this way? Why doesn't this person love me and reciprocate with me the way that I want? Why am I doing so much? Why am I not doing enough? Why is it never enough? Oh, and I'm feeling so burdened and so pained and hurt at heart. And it's so complicated. I'd rather just live in the external reality of, look, I'm a good helper of everybody.

Michael: Yeah, so it's tough for twos in in many environments. The workplace is certainly one of those places where it can feel like the bigness of the twos emotion is not wanted, that it's actually actively rejected. It's not going to be the thing that gets you to that next level that people in the workplace are generally striving for.

Rasanath: Also, the twos feel a lot taken for granted. Because I do things for people without really consideration of any boundaries in terms of where my individuality ends and where somebody else begins. And again, it's innocent, or I should say it's naive. There's a very fine line between the innocence and the naivete. The naivete is confused to be innocent.

Michael: For the record, it's not innocent, it's naive. Thank you.

Rasanath: And then when I wake up to it, I feel very hurt. But what is really cracking at that point is the naivete. The naivete that I just thought that by endlessly doing things for people, people will love me.

Hari Prasada: But it puts itself right back together again. It's not like it cracks and suddenly we've made so much advancement. It puts itself right back together. I go back into the arena the same way. This is what all the types do. I just go after and push harder for the same things that I was looking for in the first place and never got enough of. And throughout my life, I'm never getting enough validation for my identity of who I think I should be. In this case, the helper. Nobody is giving me enough validation. So I just keep going, keep going, keep going. I implant myself into your life. Don't you love me now? Isn't it so nice to have me? You can't do without me. And when you talk about the big emotions and uh feeling taken for granted uh as well, see, the big emotions are there for all of us, but they have to be grounded. So this also starts to preempt what does it mean to be present to the heart center for the two? You have to ground the emotions. You have to see where they are coming from. You have to actually have the courage to look at the mess. The heart is a messy place. We turn a blind eye, we operate from the heart instinctively rather than with true presence and honesty and earnestness and knowing of what's going on and intentionality to choose what will be most beneficial for myself and everybody else. So I have to first turn to the heart and see what's really going on. The emotions will be a lot, but they can be grounded through actually seeing them and working through them. I have to work through the emotions. Otherwise, I shouldn't be surprised that I'm showing up with big emotions and people are like, Whoa, what am I supposed to do with this?

Michael: Let's go there. How do we get up the levels of consciousness by becoming more present in the heart center?

Rasanath: I think when you become more present in the heart center, the first thing that you have to contend with is the emotional shame. So think about how unworthy I feel of love. Everything else is happening as a compensation for that unworthiness. And that essentially means that I feel so ashamed of myself. And twos, and this is true about every type of the heart center, and specifically for the twos, I have to first contend with the shame of being unlovable. And why does that exist to begin with in the first place? Because that shame is what leads to the desperation. That shame forces the two to compensate in ways that then the true only feels more in trouble. So the first thing that needs to happen is the owning of the shame. I actually feel ashamed. And in the owning of the shame, the two also refuses to acknowledge that they have any needs. This is such a fundamental illusion that they work under. I don't have needs, everybody else does, right? There's a pride around that. And when I really look at my shame, I begin to understand wow, there's a lot that I'm carrying here. And actually, I'm the person who needs help. You know, and in that acknowledgement is the humbling. And in the humbling, then there is the real work of mending my own heart. To really stitch it together, like to walk around actually feeling heartbroken in many ways. To then put my heart back in place, to put the pieces which I feel have been broken properly, right? From that place, then the heart becomes wholesome. Then my love is just more natural, authentic, and unconditional. But for that love to then emerge from that place requires for us to deal with the heartbreak, to deal with the experience of shame, and to understand I need help more than anybody else does, really. To acknowledge that is the first step in climbing up the levels of consciousness.

Michael: I so appreciate how clear your explanation was. And I'm thinking about a person who can acknowledge their shame, that it's there, also acknowledge that I have a lot of pride about being the helper and that I need some support in working through all of this. That is, I can't think of a more lovable person than that. That is so worthy of love.

Rasanath: It's true. And for most people, and this is the challenge for the world, right? When you truly choose that kind of vulnerability, most of the world is not going to really appreciate that. And so what you are also signing up for is to be rejected in mass. Because who wants to love somebody that experiences a lot of shame? And this is something that also came up in the workshop that we did last week at a company. Who wants to talk about this? And yet it's so amazing to see that even in that environment, when somebody takes the step to talk about it authentically, everybody else either they don't know what to do with it, or there is a shift where everybody feels that vulnerability is what unites us. But most of the times, and that's what makes the attempt of vulnerability so hard, is most of the times people don't know what to do with it. They usually walk away from it. And so the two feels even more alone in that experience. But that is precisely the courage that is necessary, because without that, I will still stay trapped in what I need to do. You know, the lesson that the two really has to learn, and I can say this as someone who has a big two wing, is the journey towards the heart is many times a lonely journey. It's a journey where many times you feel that you have to go there alone, where some people, even with their most sincere desire to accompany you, because of many different reasons, may not and will not be able to accompany you. But that is what it takes. Because when we do get there, we will realize that we were never alone. That and I'm going to use these words very directly, that God was always walking with us. That we were actually the the feeling of aloneness was only an illusion and not a reality. That we were always accompanied. And so there is a conversion of the loneliness to what you call solitude, a very deep experience of the one who is the only true helper. And in the company of that one who is the only true helper, then maybe I can help. Beautiful.

Michael: So as we come to a close here, what would you say about the two's journey from the ego to the self? And you've already started to really unpack this. And I'm also curious about the good qualities of the two that come from their place in the heart center that both they themselves get to experience and also others in their life.

Hari Prasada: The heart is the seat of emotion, as we spoke about. The heart is also the seat of identity. So both our true identity, who we are, the core of us, the essence, the self, which is spiritual. Soul, all of those are referring to the same thing, and the covering we put on top of that, of who we think we should be, our ego, our projection of wanting to be enough and have a stable identity in this world. When fundamentally we are spiritual, which means we are meant to be in this world, but not of this world, as Jesus said. So both of those, the true self and the false self, reside in the heart. Who we are and the covering that we put on top of it, the sense of identity, the sense of self that we want validated, like in this case, being the helper. Both reside in the heart. So the heart is the heart of everything. I mean, that's why there's that expression. We have to get the heart of things. It is the deepest part of us. And it doesn't mean that the twos have an advantage or a disadvantage. At the end of the day, all the types have to go and find their hearts and go deep into the heart on a journey to see what really lies there, to get past all the coverings, remove them, clean them up, and find the pristine, shining self that is beneath them all, the soul. For the two, I have to see that I'm so desperate to be seen for the identity of who I think I should be as the helper. I'm so helpful, I'm so good to you. You need me so much. Aren't I the sweetest? You don't have any friend quite like me. All of those efforts to establish that identity are leading me astray. They're leading me away from who I actually am. And I have to simultaneously stop doing that by recognizing it and move towards what is real. And that, as we will always say, requires guidance from those who are further along, who are more in touch with who they are on the spiritual journey. And the emotions that come up, they either will give rise to the satisfaction that I'm, yes, I'm finally being seen as the helper. Yes, people finally understand I am the source of love. Look at that. Or oh, people don't understand. They're not reciprocating enough. They take me for granted. And I'm so upset, so frustrated, so forlorn. Neither of those emotions have anything to do with who we actually are. They're all just sitting on top of who we are. So we have to be able to wade through them, to categorize them, to see, oh, how is this serving me, or in this case, not serving me? And how can I actually develop a vision of people as the self and truly serve them, truly think about what would be most beneficial for them without neglecting my own needs, without pretending that I don't have needs, which is hubris. This is a very, very proud thing to make it that I don't have any needs. Therefore, I can just go out and help everybody else. No, I have to take care of myself. Charity begins at home. So the twos have to learn from those who are further along. They don't have to be twos themselves. This is true for all the types, uh, but they do have to see what is uniquely driving them toward pretending that they don't have needs, toward trying to serve the so-called needs of other people, which are actually just their wants, their ego desires. You know, I want a pizza. The two will think, Oh, I can get them a pizza. Yes. Look, isn't that so much benefiting them? No, how is that benefiting their essence? How does that benefit the core of them? That has to be seen. So we have to go much deeper. We have to really understand who we are, who we're not, and align with that and get guidance, wade through the emotions very courageously, and ground the emotions in a deeper sense of service that matters, that is not based on the whims of other people, so that I can get my fix of feeling like I'm the helper.

Michael: I'm thinking of a few twos in my life, and when they are operating at a high level of consciousness, there's nothing like having them as the wind at my back. It's it's so incredible to have somebody like that in my life who is so nurturing, who's really thinking so much about my needs and what I need. Sometimes they have clarity about what I need before I have clarity about what I need. And it's such a feeling of connection and intimacy that can evolve from being seen and met in that kind of way. And some of the things that we're talking about are about smoothing out the edges in a big way, and then also understanding where am I coming from? So that service, which they naturally are oriented to in a way that many other types are not. So it gives them a big leg up in that way. But when it comes from a much deeper and pure and real place, the the effect of that, the effectiveness of it can go way beyond what they might have experienced before.

Hari Prasada: The twos are so naturally sweet and invested in people and give a sense of I'm with you, I care about you. And they can really light people up and cheerlead them in beautiful, heart-melting ways if they're coming from that place of the heart, the actual heart, present, and they're able to discern honestly what's going on and where it's coming from.

Michael: Beautiful. Well, that feels like a great place to close. Thank you both so much.

Hari Prasada: Thank you.

Michael: Thanks for listening to the Upbuild Enneagram Library. Upbuild is a leadership development company that offers workshops, coaching, and other services to help you on the path towards being your best self, free from the shackles of the ego. To learn more about our work, visit our website, upbuild.com, and sign up for our newsletter to gain access to podcasts, reflections, and upcoming events.